HUMMING IN MY UNIVERSE By Jim Paredes (The Philippine Star) | Updated October 23, 2016 – 12:00am
I know I can always talk to you. I discovered this about 15 years ago when I read the book Conversations With God, by Neale Donald Walsch. The book impressed me so much it actually changed my understanding of you. It was such a radical change for the better. I even invited the author to come to the Philippines because I wanted many people to know that they, too, can talk to God.
We have talked quite often the past 15 years. Sometimes I just suddenly call on you, often very early in the morning, and you are always on. Don’t you ever sleep? I know that I can tell you anything. And I do. I have told you things I have not told anyone else. Some of them are quite shocking. But you seem to be cool with them. You don’t get shocked. That’s why I like talking to you.
When I first started having conversations with you, I could not tell if your answers were just coming from me. Were they just my own thoughts? I wondered. I was confused. Your answers seemed too real to come from me. One day, I gave that a long thought and came to the conclusion that it does not matter where it was coming from. What was important was I could feel the love, the affirmation that was coming from you.
I have tried to create a mental construct of what you are like. What can God possibly look like? I have seen many of your faces. Sometimes, you seem like a cool old man. Sometimes, I can’t see any face at all when we are talking. But I know there is an undeniable presence that announces itself clearly. I just sense a feeling that touches my whole being. It is a great feeling of being special. It is a feeling of awe and love that I can almost touch with my hands. God, I must admit you can be so physical, too.
Sometimes when we talk, I must admit I can’t hear you at all. I think I know why. It is probably because the answers I want are not what you are ready to give me. I am full of expectations and so I can’t hear your true voice and will.
During those moments, I close my eyes. I try to quiet my thoughts until it is so still I can sense you are there. When my mind is too noisy or dusty, all I hear is my own ego trying to capture God. But how do you capture someone that is not really separate from you? What a presence you are in my life.
Lately, I have not been praying to you in the way I am used to. I’ve started reciting popular prayers, and even if I feel you answer my prayers affirmatively, I feel that I am not fully present to you. I feel the closeness but I feel there is less certainty on my end that I am actually talking to God.
Maybe it’s because I’ve practically stopped meditating and so I am having difficulty quieting my mind. Lately, there are so many voices in my head that want to destroy the peace of mind I normally have. I think I have unconsciously allowed them in and they are taking too much of my peace from me. I know I have to do something about that. I have allowed too much of the world in that I can’t quiet it down. I want my empty mind back. I must go back to Zen meditation.
I think it was Meister Eckart who said, “God likes to visit when no one is home.” I understand that clearly. I should surrender expectations, concepts, pictures in my mind about you so that you can come in just as you are. I have to be without ego, and free of attachments as much as I can to feel your wonderful defining presence.
Please visit often and continue to have patience with me. I really want to know you! This time- and space-bound creature wants to meet the eternal and everlasting. I have a hunger that can’t be quenched. It is a hunger in my soul that wants to be fed and nourished. Please talk to me. And like a dog toward his master, I will delight in your voice and keep coming back.
A few days ago, I felt quite lucid and connected to you; I actually experienced a great talk with you. It was for no reason that I wanted to talk. No favors to ask. I didn’t want to ask anything from you since I did not want you to feel that all I do is ask. It was merely to open up my thoughts, feelings, secrets to you. I needed to just share them with someone. And just being open to you about them often already solves a lot of things. It is as if problems once stated or confessed point to their own solutions.
Many people come to me asking for advice on many questions about life. I try to answer them. When I can’t, I humbly admit I have nothing to say. When I can give good, inspired advice, I feel good. I feel like you, God.
During one intense Zen meditation years ago, that feeling of being God-like came to me. It was a feeling of intense humility but with searing enlightenment. I described it this way: “I honor God when I claim to be Him.”
I know many people will not understand that, but it’s okay, because I know You do.