HUMMING IN MY UNIVERSE By Jim Paredes (The Philippine Star) Updated December 12, 2010 12:00 AM

It’s that time of the year when we wrap the mess of the world and throw it some place where we hopefully will never have to deal with it again. We look forward to the new year hoping that it will be a little better than this last one.

To psychics out there, for future verification and accuracy, I dare you to put your predictions for 2011 on Twitter and Facebook before the year ends.

I do not claim to be a psychic, but I claim to have direct access to a fertile imagination. Here are my predictions for 2011. As predictions go, they may or may not come true although I have a pretty good batting average when it comes to picking new restaurants to try, finding parking or predicting how telenovelas will end.

Please, don’t shoot the messenger.

1) Everyone alive will be a year older, blink their eyes, inhale, exhale and eat. All this will cause ecological impact.

2) A baby will be conceived via Wi-Fi. There will be paternity issues because no password was used.

3) Condoms will be made oversized in response to hip-hop users.

4) Global warming will cause the NPA to become the NPV—New People’s Navy

5) Kapamilya and Kapuso will merge and become “Kapusila” and take its aim on ABC 5.

6) Panfilo Lacson will be arrested while hiding in Marlyn Aguilar’s basement.

7) The CBCP will finally allow condom use — as long as the tip is cut off.

8) Mayweather will FINALLY consent to fight with Paquiao — Dionesia Pacquiao, that is.

9) Glutathione will be so popular that our new slogan will be “Pilipinas Kay Puti.” Binay will throw a fit!

10) The country will be shocked at the revelation that Mae Paner of Juana Change and Senator Franklin Drilon are actually one and the same person!

11) All improper tweets or online messages from members of official entourages traveling with the President to foreign countries will be simply referred to hereon as “Travel Advisories.”

12) The government will finally bring the Arroyos to trial for corruption. But to everyone’s surprise, their defense will be “luck,” as they will produce 217 lotto tickets, monetary donations from friends in the billions plus unbelievable profits from partnerships in Nigeria, Djibouti and Somalia through Internet investments. They will also present e-mails showing winnings in lotto draws in Ireland, England and Google even if they never joined. The Ombudsman and Supreme Court will declare them innocent.

13) The relationship between Willie Revillame and ABC 5, like his previous one with ABS-CBN, will sour. In anger, because of lack of stations to go to, Willie will purchase and own the entire Internet!

14) A new, more effective scheme to control traffic and accidents will be introduced and it will be based on one’s Zodiac sign. Only compatible signs will be allowed on the same days to lessen accidents.

15) There will be exposes of state secrets about PNoy’s travels that will plague his administration similar to Wikileaks which will eventually be traced to GMA, who shall be known as the “Mole of Asia.’

16) In a stunning move to improve their public image, the Ampatuans will seem to turn a new leaf and become “pro-life” spokespersons.

17) In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court will unabashedly declare GMA the status of a “living treasure” or deity, free from all earthly lawsuits for all actions past, present or future. But the decision will be found to have been plagiarized from Nepal which has similar laws/practices pertaining to a living deity called the Kumari Devi.

18) Cebu Pacific will introduce pole dancing in-flight, but PAL, not to be outdone, will give free prostate massages.

19) SM will build its biggest shopping mall ever that will occupy ALL of Luzon. Makati will be the gadgets section, Pampanga will be the food court, the Cordilleras will be the Filipiniana section, Bicol will be have the express checkout, etc. To placate customers, parking will be free — in Romblon.

20) In a controversial, novel move, PNoy will appoint Boy Abunda and Annabel Rama as peace facilitators. Abunda will hold a mirror to both the rebels and the GRP panels and ask them what they see. In an unexpected epiphany, everyone will burst into tears. Rama, in turn will succeed in establishing great rapport with all parties by calling them “Dong” in her own endearing way. They will succeed beyond all expectations and peace will finally come to the Philippines.

21) The CBCP will apply for party-list accreditation under the name Damayan ng mga Arsobispong Makikialam sa Sex at Ovulation, or DAMASO for short.

22) Makati real estate will go through the roof as more “oil fields” are found under high rises and in every other corner.

23) The HIV virus will continue to spread which will prompt a health advisory from the DOH urging everyone to wear a wetsuit, a gas mask, baseball gloves and a condom when engaging in sex. At the risk of angering the church further, withdrawal will also be suggested.

24) In a bid to stop student protests from escalating, the DECS will make public demonstrations, placard making, slogan creation, flash mobs, effigy-burning, and other coordinated crowd movements (as done in rallies), etc., required subjects and part of the curriculum. Students in droves will immediately abandon these activities and instead do video games, partying, cutting classes, drinking, etc.

25) The Philippines will send a high-level delegation to Kim Jong Il of North Korea to explain that despite the number of Koreans here, we are not and have never been, and will never be part of South Korea.

26) Lastly, the Supreme Court will finally relent to the creation of the Truth Commission after EO 1 is revised to include the investigation of environmental crimes. It will be known as An Inconvenient Truth Commission.