Writing on Air

Writing on Air by Jim Paredes

Trolling the presidentiables

Posted on April 02, 2016 by jimparedes

HUMMING IN MY UNIVERSE By Jim Paredes (The Philippine Star) | Updated April 3, 2016 – 12:00am

Things are getting out of hand. There is so much hostility everywhere. I am talking about how very partisan and ugly this election has become.

It’s a free-for-all on social media. Trolls abound. They immediately respond, mostly with insults, threats and venom to any criticism (even mild ones) posted by anyone who questions their leader. The tirades are mostly nonsensical, illogical and ungrammatical — all designed to scare you.

Some people have even received death threats. I have.

But the most vicious ones do not want to argue at all. If they do, it is without any form of civility. Their aim is to silence you.


It’s time we lighten things up. Stop being combative. Drop the ubusan ng lahi mentality. After all, we ALL still have to get along after the elections.

We must realize that we shouldn’t take everything so seriously. So today, I am putting on my conspiracy theorist-anarchist-irreverent-silly cap as I write.

Today, I am trolling every candidate. There is a Filipino saying that goes, “Bato-bato sa langit. Kung may tamaan, eh buti nga.” LOL.

1. A friend who is into conspiracy theories tried to convince me that Mar and Leni are actually closet communists. He pointed out that if you put an “x” at the end of Mar and an “n” at Leni, you will get the names of two great communists.

I laughed. But I had to ask myself if I should share it considering how some stupid people out there will not get the joke and take this seriously. Furthermore, they may convince the more stupid to believe it. But then, I must have more faith in humanity, shouldn’t I?

Or should I?

2. Duterte’s followers are fiercely loyal and cling to his every word. All this talk of summary killings to deliver swift justice seems to awaken in them a rough judgmental Old Testament attitude that is so gung-ho about meting the death penalty summarily.

I think Digong’s friend and spiritual adviser Quiboloy should step into the picture and convince Digong to form his own religion so he can have some theological reason to justify his beliefs. The first book in his sacred text can be called Duterteronomy.

3. I still cannot fathom the Supreme Court’s decision declaring Grace Poe’s run for the presidency legal but I won’t argue with it. The SC has the final word. All I know is that certain political considerations shaped the decision.

This decision could be historical and unprecedented. This could make Grace Poe the envy of Hillary Clinton since Grace could very well be the first American woman president if she wins.

As for me, I am looking at 2022 when I would like Barack Obama to run for president of the Philippines. I am sure he will find our country’s political landscape interesting. I trust the SC will find some justification to “prove” his citizenship like they did for Poe. He is, after all, very popular in our country. They can also argue that his two recent trips to the Philippines showed Obama’s intention to establish residency here.

4. Binay has one final chance to shine in the next debate. He lost big time when he insisted on bringing notes (later described as documents) and delaying the last debate. He was the biggest loser.

He must now reinvent himself. How does someone with poor debating skills, and a credibility problem, shine in a debate against four other more articulate people?

To do so, he must totally stun them. He must come from left field with no notes, no documents. He must make a visual statement saying he will NOT be ignored and belittled. He must show up wearing cosplay.

Everyone would be speechless, surely! Can you imagine his fellow candidates addressing him as Mr. Vice President when he is dressed up in a bizarre animé costume? I think they would rather really avoid him. Who would like to argue with a presidentiable in cosplay? And on TV? And to the millions of people watching at home, this brilliant wardrobe makeover will be so impressive, it will be the topic of conversation until election day. People will forget all other issues. All they will remember is Binay in cosplay, a dark, brooding animé figure.

5. I miss Miriam in the debates. I miss her on the campaign trail. It is too bad she is incapacitated with cancer. Sometimes though, I try to imagine who is more unlucky: Miriam getting cancer or cancer taking on Miriam? I hope her feisty spirit will save her. There is more to life than winning an election. As for the cancer cells, maybe you should call it quits while you are ahead.

6. It is beginning to look like a lot of the millennials will be voting for Marcos. It is so ironic that young people have all the data and knowledge right at their fingertips, more than any generation in history, but they have such a short and shallow attention span. And they are easily swayed by over-simplified memes, more than plain truth. I can’t wait to see their faces when one day, they will watch their sons and daughters voting for the children of Napoles, Jinggoy, Revilla, etc.

7. No candidate has made any statement about legalizing medical marijuana. I wish one of them would. If Mar takes a supporting stance, it would still be in line with Daang Matuweed.

When you feel that you are about to cross the sanity line and need to be more objective, here’s a line from Desiderata you can repeat to yourself.

“Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, EVEN THE DULL AND THE IGNORANT; THEY TOO HAVE THEIR STORY.”

Okay. Back to Facebook and Twitter!

1 to “Trolling the presidentiables”

  1. Carmen Rosales says:

    I gotta love your article!

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