Writing on Air

Writing on Air by Jim Paredes


Crystal ballin’ 2009

Posted on January 03, 2009 by jimparedes

‘Tis the season, and it’s hard to resist. As I watched the usual ‘psychics’ on TV make their predictions for the year, I thought of Madame Auring and her classic insight years ago during the US Bush-Gore elections where she predicted that the next US President’s name will have 4 letters!

Right then and there, my psychic Third Eye opened and my mind was immediately flooded with visions of the future!

And so once again, I am wearing my fortune teller’s hat to make predictions about this new year 2009. For every item that comes true, I am willing to get paid a million pesos which I will gladly donate to the restoration of an old folks’ home. I am turning 58 this year and my house could use a new paint job, a gazebo, a mini gym and a swimming pool!

Here goes:

1) The peace and order situation will continue to deteriorate. Aside from highly dangerous places such as Basilan, parts of Zamboanga, and other areas in Mindanao, there will be new travel advisories and warnings which will suggest that people also avoid golf courses. There is after all, a very real danger of getting mugged, beaten up by arrogant public officials in these previously safe havens. The advisory will not come from the Tourism department but strangely, from the Department of Agriculture!

2) Cory Aquino will rethink her intention of launching a career as a comedienne after her ‘apology joke’ to Erap caused a stir among her countrymen who risked their lives and limbs to participate in kicking out Joseph Estrada from office.

3) Gloria Macapagal Arroyo will not change in anyway, not the very least her height. It was reported that she again did NOT make an attempt to jump up and down during the midnight moment passing on to the year 2009.

4) ABC 5, in its Nth bid to relaunch and become a viable alternative to ABS-CBN and GMA 7 will reposition itself anew against the two TV giants. If ABS is known as the ‘kapamilya’ station and GMA7 is the “kapuso’ channel, ABC5 will, in 2009 be called the ‘kalaguyo” station.

5) Vicky Bello, the ‘cosmetologist of the stars’ will launch a new exciting procedure that will miraculously restore the lost virginity of women. The procedure will install a new hymen to patients and will be aptly called, “Bello the belt” .

6) A famous star will get pregnant and two young stars will be a hot item in… wait a minute… I also said that last year!

7) Gloria Macapagal Arroyo will renounce with finality any attempt that will extend her power beyond 2010. She will issue a warning to congress of a Presidential veto if they attempt to revive charter change during the remainder of her term. She will also cooperate fully in the reopening of the ZTE, the Garci, and the fertilizer scandals and will encourage public officials to freely testify so that the truth will finally be known.

It will also snow in the Philippines and a new weather phenomenon will emerge where it will mysteriously rain money everywhere and will cause everyone to instantly become millionaires.

8) The Philippines, in a show of goodwill to US President Barack Obama who has vowed to close down the Guantanamo prisons, will offer to take in the hard-core terrorist detainees which no other country will accept. They will be trained and taught new skills such as becoming public officials and playing golf.

9) The House of Representatives will successfully pass a record number of bills deemed as urgent but in a most unlikely venue–Las Vegas! That’s because Pacquiao will be fighting Hatton in a few weeks and the sports event will practically guarantee the presence of a majority quorum of congressmen. The voting on the bills will be made between rounds. They are hoping that Manny Pacquiao can keep the fight going for at least three rounds so that they have time to properly deliberate on the bills so they are not ‘hastily passed’.

10) Finally, in a historic compromise, the Catholic Church will finally withdraw opposition to the population bill being discussed in congress which will at last, make the bill into a law. In exchange for the Church’s non-opposition to the controversial bill, the lawmakers will adjust certain provisions which will only give sex education and encourage the use of contraception to married couples over 60 years old.

Have a good year ahead! Remember, there is life behind the inanities and indignities we are subjected to daily.

5 to “Crystal ballin’ 2009”

  1. LULU says:

    Jim..For the first time I read your blog yesterday and I must say, it was really funny, informative, inspiring, entertaining, etc….I related very much to your family life trasnformation from when you move to sydney…been here 20 years but after all these years I miss Manila’s chaos, informality of day to day life, bahala na attitude, no sense of time(PAL-palaging late attitude), street food, vibrant atmosphere, shocking news, sounds of laughter from familiar faces, e.g. friends and relatives…but everytime I go back to manila and stay for a few weeks, I long for sydney’s quiet life and predictable daily existence…
    This is already getting too long..By the my brother is also from Glenwood…Cheers..Lulu

  2. Jason Bruce says:

    Ha!
    You play Nostradamus very well, may future ka.
    Happy New Year.

  3. vicky says:

    i enjoyed reading your predictions and i thought you nailed every single one! happy new year to you and your family!

  4. avril says:

    :-):-) Very good predictions!

  5. giacobo says:

    A great secret of success is to go through life as a man who never gets used up.



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