HUMMING IN MY UNIVERSE By Jim Paredes (The Philippine Star) Updated January 01, 2012 12:00
This manghuhula never learns. My predictive accuracy last year was dismal, although I did get one thing correct: “Everyone alive will be a year older, blink their eyes, inhale, exhale and eat. All these will cause ecological impact.” It’s that time of year when the right combination of forces makes foretelling attractive, perhaps even inevitable. As we bid the old year adieu and the New Year enters, and as I stare at the third bottle of beer I have consumed in an hour, I am moved to go out on a limb and risk being way wrong, ridiculous or even crazy for all these things I am about to reveal to you, dear reader.
And so, in the spirit of the New Year’s revelry where we are allowed to wipe away all traces of the past year and start with a clean slate, I boldly present my new, fresh predictions for 2012. But I do so with a caveat. If they happen, I take full credit for them. If they don’t, then I will simply say that the beer made me do it!
1. Fed up with traffic, angry motorists in Metro Manila will stage an Occupy EDSA and C5 but will immediately realize they’ve already been doing it all this time.
2. The trend in skin whitening will take a strange turn. Because of the economic situation, Filipino women will apply glutathione only sparingly and partially. The result will be known as “high contrast,” which is somewhere between the look of the rock group KISS, and 1,001 Dalamatians and will land many Pinays on the covers of fashion and beauty magazines all over the world.
3. Kim Kardashan will marry Kim Jong Un. Her presence in the young Great Leader’s life will bring out his softer side and will result in North Korea giving up its nuclear ambitions. In turn, Kim Kardashian will end hunger in the country by breastfeeding half the population.
4. The Corona impeachment will lead to a full, no-holds-barred fight between the executive and judiciary branches, prompting boxing promoter Bob Arum to enter the picture and make this a world event, saying, “We’re back in the heavyweight business, and we’re thrilled to be involved.”
5. Dr. Vicki Belo, famous cosmetologist, will make a bid to improve NAIA. She will give the entire building a facial scrub, have the walls peeled, the front waiting area enlarged, and all the ugliness liposuctioned. This will make for a smoother, softer NAIA. When she is done, she promises that NAIA will henceforth be known as the Gateway to the Stars.
6. Kim Jong Un will be predicted to become the longest living North Korean ruler, outlasting the longevity of the combined rule of the two previous Kims. Pundits are betting on this because, quite understandably, both his father Kim Jong Il, and his grandfather Kim Il Sung were already “Il” to start with.
7. Atty. Ferdinand Topacio will quit being the lawyer of CGMA, and end his law career. He will surprise everyone by resurfacing late in 2012 as a rap artist. He will rename himself Topac after his idol Tupac. He will be a sensation!
8. Publicly known gays will guest on talk shows and shock everyone by openly admitting that they are actually closet machos. They will ride onto the set on motorcycles, expose gigantic tattoos of Marilyn Monroe and Madonna, drink beer and fart, and publicly profess their passion for cockfighting, FHM centerfolds and calendars selling alcoholic beverages.
9. In a highly publicized bid, Lolong, the biggest crocodile in the world, will be bought by Lacoste.
10. Psychologists will seriously study the phenomenon of public officials who suddenly get sick after facing arrest. They will come to the conclusion that not unlike Lolong, the largest crocodile in captivity, they go though a cycle of depression and not eating. But they eventually regain their appetite after two months in captivity.
11. In its bid to be the top TV station, ABC-5, after raiding the stables of its top two rivals, will end its talent acquisition with the signing up of… God!
12. The end of the world as predicted by the Mayan calendar will occur on Dec. 21, 2012. But before it does, many secrets will be finally revealed. Some questions in the long list of mysteries that have baffled mankind will at long last be explained. Among them will be: Are there aliens living among us? Is there an afterlife? And what actually happens when you mix Mentos with Coke?
13. CGMA will finally be allowed to leave the country after her handpicked doctors, spiritual advisers and the Supreme Court confirm that she is, beyond doubt, possessed by an alien evil spirit. After an exhaustive but futile search for the right exorcist or espiritista in the Philippines who can decipher the foreign language she is involuntarily speaking, she will be allowed to board a plane and search for the exorcist who can decipher the alien tongue, and thus cure her. She will then tour the world in search of a “cure.”
14. Since Floyd Mayweather has been sentenced to jail for domestic violence, his eagerly expected fight with Manny Paquiao will not push though on May 5. However, to appease angry fans who have been anticipating this fight, the two pugilists will decide to have it out in a non-titled tussle. Manny Pacquiao will want the fight in Manila with Mareng Winnie as referee, but Mayweather will insist that the fight be held on the Jerry Springer show in June 2012.
15. To speed up the law-making process in both houses of Congress, Twitter rules will be followed. All speeches, deliberations, arguments, cross-examinations should not exceed 140 characters. Only Senator Lito Lapid will fare well under the new set-up. Many will decide not to run for reelection. However, the approval ratings of Congress and the Senate will shoot sky-high, since the public will hardly hear from their elected representatives.
16. The Freedom of Information act will finally be passed into law. People will finally know whether or not the President plays video games, questions about sexuality of certain public figures will finally be answered, and why we suddenly have so many Koreans in the Philippines. With the wealth of such vital information gathered and revealed, we will become a world power in six months.
17. The RH bill will finally be passed into law. In an unsual partnership, the program will be carried out by DOH and Globe and Smart telecoms. Since it has been discovered that Wi-Fi signals lessen sperm production, the whole nation will have free access to broadband as a supplement to the RH provisions.
18. Because of the overeating you, dear reader, have been doing this past week, you will most likely suffer from indigestion today and, already I apologize for this very bad pun, you will know what its is like to be an “Empacho-an” victim.
Manigong Bagong Taon sa Ating Lahat!
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Got a camera last Christmas? Come and attend my first Basic Photography Workshop on Jan. 28, 2012. Document the coming year with great pics. It will be from 1 to 6:30 p.m. in QC. Call 0916-8554303/426-5375 to reserve P3,920 includes VAT. See you.