HUMMING IN MY UNIVERSE – Jim Paredes (The Philippine Star) – January 7, 2018 – 12:00am
I thought that I would be freed from this task of making my yearly projections for 2018. But, just like every year since five years ago, Nostradamus, the master of predictions, has once again forcibly entered my dream state and whispered to me what to expect for 2018.
I can’t help it. His spirit has overtaken me. I have become a humble vessel of good tidings and bad omens which, in the end, may or may not be nothing. To warn you, the accuracy of my predictions yearly has been dismally low at best. Therefore, please tread cautiously. In an era when alternate facts, and fake news rules, read this at your own peril.
1) Every single person on earth who is still breathing will be one year older by the end of 2018.
2) Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates and Steve Jobs will be outed and exposed as extraterrestrial beings. Scientists will confirm that they are ETs from a planet with a superior civilization. Surprisingly, Rody Duterte will almost make this list. But in the end, he will fall short. But they will all agree that he is someone who is “out of this world.”
3) North Korea’s Kim Jong Un, in a act of defiance, will suddenly and finally quit the United Nations. The headlines will be read, “Un quits UN.”
4) A new Mayan calendar will be unearthed that will predict the end of the old Mayan calendar.
5) Astronomers will discover two small moons very near Uranus. They will be called “Urscrotum.”
6) After race, skin color, sexual preference, social status, educational level, the next big discrimination will be about blood types, zip codes, types of phones and Zodiac signs.
7) WiFi companies will create technology that can be attached to humans so people can be used as data access points. They plan to attach these to celebrities, which will increase their following more than 10,000 times. The simplicity of this invention is truly amazing. When you need to reset the WiFi, simply insult the celebrity access point so he/she “turns off.” After a minute, flatter him/her so he/she “turns on” again.
8) Filipinos will hardly show any shock when China occupies 20 more islands and shoals in 2018. It will hardly be news. Life will go on as usual in the new People’s Republic of the Philippines.
9) Internet trolls will form a union and ask for a raise from their financiers. They will be turned down. As morale sinks, they will stop their strategy of threatening people with rape and murder, and will withhold saying mean insults. In place they will be very mild and say things like, “I hope you have a bad day,” “I will unfollow you,” “Wow… Labo mo.” And when they really want to be mean, they will say things like “I fart in your general direction,” and “Your mother is old.”
10) As people become immune to fake news, someone will register the name “FAKE NEWS” to make outright lies and false stories appear somewhat “official” in the hopes that blatant lies become “respectable” and more credible.
11) Bato will retire early in 2018. He will be placed by Papel or Gunting!
12) Polong Duterte, the vice mayor of Davao, will completely resign from politics. He will have a career change and will become an actor. His first movie will be a remake of Bruce Lee’s Enter the Dragon.
13) Filipino psychics will make their usual predictions about the usual tragedies, the deaths of unnamed but famous persons, and the marriage of unnamed personalities. All will claim 100 percent accuracy at the end of 2018.
14) Archeologists will be astonished to discover Neanderthals still living on earth in great numbers. By looking at the results of surveys, and reading Facebook accounts, they will realize that there are actually close to 16 million Neanderthals living in the Philippines alone.