Here’s something crazy I wrote for the INQUIRER years ago. I found it while going through some old documents. Allow me some irreverence. OK, it’s not as well argued as The Da Vinci Code but here are some things to think..er.or rather, to joke about!
Joseph Campbell, the great mythologist contends that every race considers itself as the chosen people. Just watch National Geographic and Discovery Channel documentaries and you can’t help but agree. From Mayan, Egyptian, Japanese, Chinese, Aborigine, and African, and Western cultures, it is clear that ethnocentricity, or the belief that one’s culture is best, is a common worldview. Bible history also tells us that the Jews believed (and still do) that they are the chosen ones. And more recently, George W. has been acting like there are no other people in the world more important than Americans.
Father and son?
If you are one of those Filipinos who, even for a second had considered the possibility that we could be ‘the chosen race’, or that Jose Rizal could have fathered Hitler–a speculation that some people, admittedly under the influence of beer may have discussed ‘seriously’ because of our hero’s height, hairstyle, his pabling ways and his brief stay in Austria– then YOU are the reader I am addressing! You probably love conspiracy theories, don’t you?
HE was one of us!
Okay, so almost every race has assumed a special “chosen” status at one time in their histories. For us Pinoys, I wish to make a claim notches higher than just being ‘chosen’. And what I claim for the Filipino race is this: Jesus was probably Filipino!! Think about it! How could He NOT have been considering the following:
–Jesus had a barkada, also known as the apostles and spent a great deal of time just hanging out with them. How much more Pinoy can one get!
–Jesus was, from all indications, not gainfully employed like a great many of us. At best, He did carpentry part-time. (Being a Messiah is a good thing but not a REAL job like plumbing or being a farmer. You get what I mean?).
–He liked banquets and celebrations, the wedding at Cana and the Last Supper being two memorable occasions. Like a real Pinoy, He was always seeing to it that everyone was fed. One could almost imagine Him calling to people, “Kain tayo!”, and meaning it. Like a true Filipino, he knew food was central to gatherings. And He resorted to extraordinary means like miracles when there wasn’t enough, as in the multiplication of the loaves and fishes.
–Like many Filipinos, Jesus spent a big chunk of His life (from His late teen years to His early thirties) in different parts in the Middle East. And like some of our kababayans there, He got into trouble with the law because of His preaching!
–Jesus was closer to His mother than to His earthly father. (Isn’t every Boyet, Juan or Pedro like that?)
–While we Filipinos walk through water during the rainy season, Jesus did His own walking on water. It’s great to be God!
–He had ninongs in the Three Kings– the only people who gave Him birthday presents. And like many Filipino kids, HE NEVER SAW HIS NINONGS AGAIN after that first visit!
–And last but not least, like the Filipino race whose collective memory is notoriously short, Jesus doesn’t keep a logbook of past offenses. He was/is always forgiving!
Convinced? If you aren’t yet, consider this: according to my brother Jesse, the cryptic letters ‘INRI’ nailed above Jesus Christ on the cross stood for Ilocos Norte Region I! Sanamagan! He could have been Ilokano. After all, no one doubts that He has been saving all these years!
How to become good Filipinos!
I’ve often wondered why it is that when we Filipinos are abroad, we generally behave decently as good citizens strictly obeying rules and regulations. And yet, back here we can be so incorrigibly remiss in following the simplest traffic rules, the anti-littering law, and even the bigger ones like paying taxes.
The challenge before us is how to become model citizens right here at home. How to do this? Simple: Let’s proclaim the entire Philippines a “foreign country”–just like Sweden, or Germany. This simple proclamation should automatically make all of us natives ‘foreigners’ in this country we’ve always trashed! Once we realize we are “abroad”, we might just adjust to the laws and follow the rules of our “host country” like we do everywhere.
Think about it, Filipinos en masse becoming law-abiding citizens! No more throwing of garbage indiscriminately. No more spitting on the sidewalks. No more urinating in public. A lot less crime and corruption!
Furthermore, declaring the Philippines a foreign country will be a big step in solving our budget deficit as Filipinos line up annually to pay fees to the foreign government to renew our “brown cards”! And we would never have to leave home to go abroad since WE ARE ALREADY THERE!!
Ronald forgives you
With less and less young people entering the priesthood, I sometimes wonder how the Church will be able to service the spiritual needs of the large Catholic multitude.
Perhaps the Church could learn a few things from fast food companies like Jollibee and MacDonald’s. What if confessions were handled like a drive-thru service? A penitant could literally drive through and after hearing the “Good morning sir/ma’am can I help you” greeting on the intercom, start reading his sins from a menu on the board, as in, “I committed 5 large lies, 3 small thefts, 3 double sexual indiscretions, etc.” He then gets directed to the window to collect his penance, recite the contrition prayer and get absolution.
Cut the bull. Let’s really party!
I was watching a documentary about the bull runs in Pamplona, Spain where thousands of locals and tourists risk life and limb for the thrill of running with charging bulls through the narrow crowded streets of the town. Talk about doing something mindless, not to say reckless. And yet no amount of blood and gore will stop people from attending this yearly event. In fact, the risk of being bloodied may be its big come-on.
Given this walk-the-edge side of tourism, the DOT guys might take a cue from Pamplona and plan similar, if not more exciting alternatives for adventurous tourists in Manila! Think about it! Put two thousand tourists in, say, a narrow street in the Malate area. At a given signal, they are told to run like hell while we release upon them dozens of bag and cell phone snatchers and thugs itching to rob or mug them senseless!
In comparison, the Pamplona Bull Run will be about as exciting as knitting in a rocking chair!
Boo Hoo
As a postscript to my previous blog about missing Sir Paul’s concert, my sister wrote to say he sang 35 songs, and that it was such a great concert. And yes, all she could do for me was get me the proverbial souvenir t-shirt!
Hahaha! Funniest entry EVER!!! And all these time I thought Danny is the funniest amongst the 3 of you.
I hope you produce an educational/ talk/travel TV show so that you can share all these stuff to the whole country.
Or better yet something like The Osbournes except yours would be the sensible counterpart. Imagine “The Paredes”.
this is really funny. and there may be some truth in it! really, with the theories you’ve pointed out, we might as well be the greatest race ever to step foot on the planet. hahaha!
Galilee was the river where Jesus walked because, according to conspiracists, he refused to pay the asking price of the boatman. Ilokano nga. INRI should thus be Jesus of Nazareth, King of DeJay. Kin Nam.
am a regular visitor of your blog =). let’s celebrate the filipino greatness! jesus an ilokano? kabsat tayo amin =)
hahaha! i had fun reading your post Sir Jim.
Imagine jesus to be Filipino, hehehe…very nice…
Hope to read more of your good posts…
DOPS
Maria– ha ha! One of my dreams is to have a show wher I can talk about ANYTHING provided that it is not chismis and it is engaging. I told Ala your idea about The Paredeses like the Osbournes. Hilarious!!
Jey–Yes, aren’t we Pinoys great!? ha ha. I just wish sometimes we could be great in the way the world defines it. sensiya ka na. Biglang tinoyo ako.
cbs-long time no see. Glad you dropped by. Ilokanos are the true chosen people. Ha ha!! I am one of dem!
diosa4ever and dops–Glad you enjoyed this. I think people get surprised that I DO have a sense of humor.ha ha.
I know it’s just going to be hilarious. Because your family is just like the Osbournes, except the total opposite, you know what I mean?
Writing On Air should be moved to television now! It’s not fair that only people with computers/internet could access your brilliant thoughts and captivating stories about other countries. Not to mention enlightening spiritual stories.
Enough of the showbiz talkshow! We need to educate the Filipinos!!!
Hello giant networks out there! All I want is an hour every week of Jim Paredes.
that’s what make you “tick” – your natural talent is not only confined to the business of the mind but you cross-over from serious talk to humor analysis on almost anything,with ease,without fear of being put into a certain shelf. that is admirable!
i had a good laugh reading your entry.
have you ever read stephen fry’s books,that british actor/director?
he’s very witty & intelligent too.
he wrote a funny book about hitler.
i agree with maria… this is your funniest entry ever… but somehow it made me ponder… what if we are really the chosen ones? that would be cool… but then again, there would be other races who will definitely think the same… and by all means prove that they are more worthy to be the chosen race…
for me there is no such thing as chosen race… its more of being one of the chosen people… making yourself worthy to be one of them would give GOD a big and hearty smile…
oh and yeah! having a show a la “the osbournes” would be great.. i cant imagine myself missing a single episode.. i could probably learn from your photography skills just by watching 😛
Jesus is Ilokano. i can dig that 😉 and are there still Rizalistas?
in response to your question of how to become good Filipinos, i often wonder about that myself. i have no answer. but sometimes i imagine that there’s this morphogenetic field around our culture which causes us to behave the way we do especially in our own country. call it mass hysteria or what not. we all have to take responsibility for our own behaviors but still i think the media and the political leaders have more responsibility in guiding our society.
but in fairness to our kababayans, relatively, we are a young culture who had just gotten our independence and still in the midst of identity crisis. compare that to the developed nations who endured hundreds of years of civil wars before they get to where they’re at right now. so in the grand scheme of things, i think we’re still doing fine. even if sometimes nakakainis nga 😉
Right on the dot Jim! I enjoyed,no wait…LOVE this post.Funny,funny,funny.:D
I guess having the ability to laugh and joke at our expense is what keeps us sane in these trying times.Thanks for the laughter Jim.:D
Have a nice weekend.:-)
“He had ninongs in the Three Kings– the only people who gave Him birthday presents. And like many Filipino kids, HE NEVER SAW HIS NINONGS AGAIN after that first visit!”
Hahaha! This is so true.
girlie–will look up Fry
maria, bratty–thanks for the vote of confidence. Who knows? maybe someone in some TV station may be reading this. heh heh. That would be coolness!
screwedup, jingo–salamat. I love the comments Ive been getting on this post.
coolmel–agree ako. we are a young nation. will be writing a future blog about some provocative sinsghts on that.
I too dont understand why Pinoys refuse to follow rules (especially on the road) when they are IN the Philippines. Most of the time, I want to go down from my car and ask those drivers: What were you thinking?!!
It even ticks me off more when the drivers aren’t DRAYBERS, but owner driven cars. These people should know better! Ang yayabang ng mga pinoy mag-drive. Inconsiderate. and Rude! It just shows character and how they most probably behave in other aspects of their life. Ang dugas eh!!
Proclaming the Phils as a foreign country so everyone can abide by the law… now that’s funny.. LOL. Maybe you just hit the jugular vein of the issue .. that we Pinoys seem to adore anything that’s not from ourselves!
jim, very interesting entry! i’ve been following your blog for some time already, but only decided to comment now. =) continue posting excellent entries!
Your photo is absolutely a cracker!
I could just picture your story about the thugs running after the tourists hahaha! And then there was you braving a lift with the wild bulls just to avoid those snatchers waahahaha!
You must have your Ipod in your pocket as well 🙂
Love the story about Jesus must be a PInoy! It reminds me of one story in the bible when He went fishing with His apostles…or should I say His “tropa”.
Remember He fell asleep on the boat while they’re fishing – O di ba pinoy na pinoy?! Natutulog sa oras ng trabaho!
And when the storm went wild He was waken up by one of His disiples…nagalit pa nung gisingin! I say His 100% Pinoy!
LOL thats a funny post! hope you write more like that jajajaja!
I hate you Jim 🙂
Now whenever I look at our crucifix all I can see is Jesus wearing a colourful Ifugao bahag.
Your sense of humour is just awesome!
Come to think of it, Judas must be the very first MAKAPILI 🙂
doranne, I know exactly what you mean. Di bale, pag-germany na ang Pinas, mawawala na lahat hyan. ha ha!
Bw–you hit the nail right on the head. I’ve also observed that we do not seem to have the confidence yet to trust ourselves, our instincts and to accept who we are as we are. parang we are always seeking approval from olther countries before we do anything.
scott, nina, fan, vanillaskies, avid reader. thanks for the comments. Wow, you do believe that Jesus is Pinoy! Amazing!
LOL! hindi ko sinabing I believe Jesus is Pinoy noh! ;D
vanillaskies–I forgot to explain that I was being sarcastic!! heh heh!
sobrang funny entry! hehehe:)
i’ve heard about hitler being rizal’s son years and years ago and even at a very young age, i really thought it was absurd.:)
hello
i am writing this again and i hope you’ll understand me. The picture of the Qatari woman you have got is the sister of one of my friends.
so please remove the picture since it is very impolite in my culture to do this.
thank you
abp922@hotmail.com