I predict 2013 will happen

I predict 2013 will happen
HUMMING IN MY UNIVERSE By Jim Paredes (The Philippine Star) | Updated December 30, 2012 – 12:00am

Illustration by REY RIVERA

Nostradamus was known to sit late at night and make his accurate predictions for mankind. He wrote them in quatrains.

It is late at night as I write these predictions for 2013. This is the only similarity between Nostradamus and I. Like him, I also write late at night. But I have no idea what quatrains are.

With regards to accuracy, I make no claims. I have done this a few times before so I guess my record speaks for itself. But don’t ask or tell me what it says. I have not heard my record speak and I do not want to know what it says.

I do not use Tarot cards or any paraphernalia for divination. But I do claim that all these predictions came to me in a vision — a vision that makes me break out in sweat. It is the vision of a calendar screaming out the deadline for article submission.

Here we go:

1) Owing to the success of his Twitter account, His Holiness Pope Benedict will now open various accounts on Facebook, Skype, Instagram, Streamzoo, Linked-in and other social media. Apparently, he has realized the power of social media. A Vatican spokesperson has predicted that Benedict will be the most modern Pope ever who will use cutting-edge technology to engage the postmodern world with his 16th-century views.

2) Traffic in Manila will continue to increase, so much so that MMDA, anticipating more road rage, will install big video monitors everywhere along EDSA. This is to help pacify motorists. MMDA is hoping these will make people relax while in traffic, and feel like they are just seated in their cars in a big drive-in movie theater.

3) Another Paquiao and Marquez boxing match will happen in 2013. It will be between Aling Dionesia Pacquiao and Joey Marquez. This time, Pacquiao will have a big chance of winning.

4) China and the Philippines will finally solve the Spratlys issue. In a big and bold diplomatic move that will involve Madame Auring and geomancers, the Philippine government will persuasively convince the Chinese that the Spratlys and the controversial shoals, if annexed by China, will result in bad feng shui. But as a gesture of friendship, the Philippines will carry the burden for China. China will immediately withdraw all claims and send P-Noy two pandas as a token of appreciation.

5) Scientists will discover and confirm the real reason behind the increasing number of typhoons that are coming the way of the Philippines. Apparently, it has nothing to do with climate change at all. It seems Mother Nature all along has been quite upset because of the awful names given natural weather phenomena. Because of this, PAG-ASA in 2013 will abandon the already assigned typhoon names like Auring, Brising, Dante, Emong, etc. and instead replace them with nicer ones like Kimberly, Kirsten, Beverly, Holly, Kitty, etc. The weather will improve greatly to everyone’s surprise and delight.

6) A missing Mayan slab of stone will be discovered which will explain why the end of the world did not happen. Apparently, the Mayan gods who have been watching over the world have taken a liking to all kinds of telenovelas. It may have affected the disposition of the gods and made them change their minds since it will still be a few more weeks before these end. And sequels are already planned. Interestingly enough, all these will be confirmed by the CBCP.

7) The US will finally decide to ban all guns. Instead, the Second Amendment, which gives everyone the right to bear arms will be replaced with the right to bare arms. In one masterstroke, gun violence will end and the wearing of sleeveless clothes will help Americans adapt to global warming.

8) A frenzy of infrastructure construction will happen in 2013. SLEX and NLEX will be connected. MRT and LRT will be merged. A train will link all airports in Manila to Clark. Lastly, St. Luke’s and Veterans Hospitals will become official branches of the New Bilibid Penitentiary.

9) The “Occupy Wall Street” movement which was a big phenomenon in the US and some parts of the world will be adopted as a business strategy by Henry Sy, and his SM empire. It will involve occupying every space left in the Philippines and filling it with malls, drugstores and condominiums but without adequate parking.

10) Accident-prone people will have the option to now surgically implant protective gear inside their bodies that will automatically release air bags upon impact, just like in cars. Helmets will soon be a thing of the past.

11) Now that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has gained respect by launching a satellite into space proving that NoKor is as modern as any First World nation, he will now do the next “impossible” thing. In an unprecedented, audacious, radical and unexpected move, he will order his scientists to study the cutting-edge science of planting rice and vegetables to feed his country.

12) In a bold move, the DOJ will arrest 100-plus prominent people involved in various crimes in 2013. They will be detained in a small, exclusive detention center that will be called Twitter Jail since it will only have a maximum number of 140 characters.

13) Korean superstar Psy will abruptly end his successful career and will disappear for months. But he will surprise everyone when he suddenly reappears again but this time as Kim Jong Un’s missing twin. His influence in North Korea will be far-reaching. This will be evident when the goose-stepping military will do their yearly Patriotic Parade March in “Gangnam Style.”

14) Heart and Chiz will continue to date and their love will blossom. Heart will carry a locket with Chiz’s picture in it to show her love. But Chiz will refuse for the simple reason that he does not want to cause a scandal by being seen in public with a Heart on.

15) Because of the RH Law, many brands and styles of condoms will now be available. There will be the loose fit for hip-hop users. There will also be the glow-in–the-dark, heat-seeking condoms for the visually impaired. Lastly, there will be condoms that will be beautifully designed but riddled with holes. These will target the fashionable but conservative users since it can be a fashion statement while still conforming to CBCP teachings. To the surprise of many, this condom will be manufactured by PAGCOR since it will be a gamble or a game of chance for anyone to use them. This will start a huge debate on which is the bigger sin: using condoms or gambling.

16) Lastly, I predict 2013 will happen.