Fathers and sons
HUMMING IN MY UNIVERSE By Jim Paredes (The Philippine Star) Updated February 14, 2010 12:00 AM

My son Mio left on Monday morning to return to Australia after a two-month holiday. He came to Manila intending to stay for only three weeks to spend Christmas with the family, since he did not want to disrupt his pretty much settled life in Sydney. Instead, he ended up staying eight weeks connecting with family, and with old and new friends.

Most parents feel anxious about holding serious conversations with their kids for fear that, one, they may turn off their kids and spoil a precious and rare moment just talking about things such as values, dreams or the direction of their lives; two, they feel that any kind of advice they give may be taken as “pontificating”; and three, they are largely uncommunicative, and are just not used to talking about the “important stuff.” They would much rather play the part of being the “fun parent” that their kids will remember.

But openness and communication are important. From who else will our children learn the things we want them to learn, except from us, their parents? Friedrich Nietzsche said it best: “What was silent in the father speaks in the son, and often, I found in the son the unveiled secret of the father.”

The conversation I had with my son Mio on his last visit is something I will remember. I hope he will remember it too.

I entered his room late one night to discuss something trivial. I was going to leave after the short conversation but decided to stay on and get further chitchat going.

Soon, we were talking about what he wanted to do with his life, and not too long after, we touched on the subject of school, his love life, smoking, relationships and personal family matters. I was amazed and happy at how candid both of us were with each other. I was happy to know that he is doing okay in school. And he did promise to quit smoking “soon.”

We also talked about relationship issues. I told him about intense relationships I had when I was his age and the anguish I felt after every breakup. I told him that the affairs a young man goes through and the experience of extreme feelings for someone happen to everyone. But I added that it is always wise to allow things to simmer and see how they really stand between two people, without the pull of desperation, the hunger for another person’s love or approval that can cloud judgment.

In other words, I advised him to keep things cool and low-key and not allow himself to be lost in the swirl of emotions that can take over someone who thinks he is in love. Feelings of affection are “oceanic” and compelling and I broached the idea that, perhaps, these feelings can also be experienced with other people as well, and are therefore not really unique between two exclusive persons. Often, it may be biological more than anything else.

Loving feelings may not always be true love. A little caution can lead to discernment, and that can’t be bad.

We also talked about what he wanted to do after college, even as he expressed doubt and hesitation that I would take his dreams seriously. He candidly said that he is considering becoming a musician. I smiled, and told him that being an artist myself, I was not in any position to object to his wanting to be one, too. I advised him that nothing is ever guaranteed in life — success, prestige, money, etc., even as I assured him of my full support. But if he wants it so badly, I suggested that he go the extra mile and enroll in some courses so he can sight-read musical charts and play gigs with as many artists in as many different genres as possible. It can only enrich him. It is something I wish I had done when I was younger.

I have not forgotten what it was like to be a young man. I had dreams that were so intense, and yet I had fears that were so great, I felt that they were dragging me down. Even if I didn’t have a great mentor who kept me focused, I met many “advisers” along the way, at the time when I needed them, and so managed to stay the course and unleash my innate power to succeed.

To be young, I remember, is to often feel invincible, health-wise. One can skip meals, stay up all night, drink booze and still be functional the next day, as Mio can easily do at his age. Health is not a concern for them. That’s because in the mind of the young, serious illnesses only happen to other (older) people, not to them.

At my age, I am not as flexible physically as my son, and am a lot more cautious. Even if my health is quite good, I need my rest, good sleep and the right sustenance. This means that I must plan not just my day but, more and more, my life. The carefree feeling of just doing anything I want is a thing of the past. The body must be prepared to do it and so planning is necessary.

The invincibility felt by the young brings with it a certain cockiness that they know better than older people who have had similar experiences. Many young people feel that their situation is so unique and only they know what to do about it. But this same cockiness can easily crumble when glitches happen and their plans do not play out exactly as expected.

One of the hardest lessons that a young man must learn is how to balance the real and the ideal world. It is simply impossible to demand for ideal conditions. Yet many do, and when the absence of the ideal stares them in the face, many simply give up.

While it is good to be idealistic and pursue what is right, it is also necessary to accept what one cannot change and make the best of what cards one is dealt. One cannot keep complaining about why things are not perfect. Instead, one must simply strive and make a little patch of heaven in the middle of all the imperfection.

As a man of many experiences whose age is catching up with him, I have come to accept unequivocally that all things do come to an end. And sometimes, I must consciously decide to let things go. A young man can have a problem with this. The child must first become an adult, both physically and psychologically. While young people do accept this mentally, they have a harder time dealing with it in reality. Often they think they are mature just because they look grown up. But their childishness, which they must eventually give up, remains.

They somehow harbor the thought at the back of their minds that their parents will always be there to help or save them if things don’t work out. And the truth is, to a great extent, Lydia and I will.

But it is also true that as we get older, more and more of the resources we have, we will spend on ourselves, as we deal with the problems that aging brings. Thus, a young man must realize that to grow up fully and completely, he must reject all notions of entitlement.

It’s tough on fathers, too. Unless he is completely dense, a father realizes soon enough that, for better or worse, he is a role model to his son. Soon, his son will stop following his advice and follow his example instead. And that is a scary thought. I hope Mio follows my virtues more than my vices.

Years ago, I read a story that describes this symbiotic father-son dynamic. One night, a father heard his son praying: “Dear God, make me the kind of man my dad is.” That night, the father prayed, “Dear God, make me the man my son wants to be.”

Mio and I both have some growing up to do. For each other’s sake.

* * *

Have you been shooting pictures without really understanding how your camera works? Has it been mostly hit or miss when it comes to taking nice shots?

After successful first runs in Sydney and Manila, it’s time to run it again. I am talking about my Basic Photography course.

I will be giving a workshop on Basic Photography on March 6, 2010. This will be a hands-on experiential approach which will cover basic knowledge of the SLR camera and its functions, techniques on lighting for outdoors, indoors and including studio lighting, composition, the use of different lenses, portraiture and landscape techniques, motion or action photography, and a whole lot more.

This is a one-day workshop from 1 to 7 p.m., March 6, 2010, held at 113 B. Gonzales, Loyola Heights, QC. The cost of the one-day session is P3,500.

We will proceed immediately to shooting pictures as we discuss the theories of photography. I will work with a limited number of students only. Requirements are: you must have an SLR digital camera capable of manual settings.

Please call 426-5375, 0916-8554303 (ask for Ollie) or e-mail me at emailjimp@gmail.com for questions and reservations.