HUMMING IN MY UNIVERSE By Jim Paredes (The Philippine Star) | Updated December 28, 2014 – 12:00am
The tradition continues. At this time of year I automatically go into a trance and transform into a swami. And while in a catatonic state, I blurt out my visions for the coming year, 2015. When I do, it is said that I speak rapidly and almost unintelligibly. I don’t know this because I am lost in some spell. A spirit overtakes me. Luckily, I have an assistant who records everything I say lest my readers miss out on the “lay of the land” next year.
Dear readers, here are my bold predictions for 2015 — revealed!
1) The ISIS ideology will come to the Philippines but in an unexpected twist, it will be embraced and vigorously carried out by women! Yes. This is, after all, a matriarchal society that we live in.
Men will be harassed, detained, punished, persecuted, and will be in constant fear for their lives. This rampaging army of women will carry the name “MISIS”!
2) There will be a worldwide social media movement urging everyone to upload their nude photos and sex videos online for everyone to see. Contrary to what everyone thinks, this will not pollute social media, even if it will seem like it for a while. Instead what will eventually happen is that netizens will get over their prurient fascination with everyone’s sex lives and the conversations on social media will be elevated to a higher level.
3) Pope Francis’ scheduled visit to Manila will be successful. As he has said, he will stay in modest quarters, eat simple food, will not ride a limo but a simple sedan. He has also said he will not meet politicians, rich and famous people, and will be happy to be with the poor and disenfranchised. This will all come to pass.
Imelda Marcos will attempt to have an audience with the Pope claiming she is now poor since the PCGG has confiscated some of her houses, paintings, jewelry and cash. She will argue that she is now disenfranchised and suffering because the court has forced her family to pay reparations to human rights victims. Based on her new “poor and suffering” status, she will make a request to see the Pope. Her request will not be entertained!
4) VP Binay will formally file his candidacy for the presidential race. Since he has been called many names lately, he will ask Comelec to recognize ballots bearing the following names in his favor: “Jejomar Binay,” “Jejomar,” “Binay,” “Mayor,” “VP,” “NogNog,” “Hacendero,”, “Sinungaling,” “Duwag,” etc. The last four names will not be recognized but the Comelec will suggest “Susmariosep,” which Binay will approve.
5) Pfizer, the drug company, will utilize exotic Philippine plants and herbs to create new products. But they will make a monumental mistake when they add the extract of the sensitive-to-the-touch makahiya plant to Viagra. The result will be something magnificent to look at but, alas, cannot be held.
6) It will finally be revealed that aliens from other galaxies have been living on earth and interacting with humans for centuries. The aliens will finally come forward and admit that they were behind the construction of the Pyramids, the Great Wall of China, Machu Pichu, the Rice Terraces and many others. But they will vigorously deny they had anything to do with the collapsed egg-like structure near NAIA Terminal 3.
7) The Bureau of Prisons in Muntinlupa will announce that part of its property will be formally converted into a luxurious country club with all the amenities and facilities including Jacuzis, saunas, tennis courts, private rooms complete with air conditioning, big TVs and life-sized sex dolls. But unlike other high-end clubs, shabu will not only be tolerated but encouraged. Snort all you can!
8) Lunar panels will be invented to capture the power of the moon’s glow.
9) Believe it or not, racism and religious intolerance will begin to disappear worldwide starting 2015. People of all races and creeds will rejoice but new types of bigotry and enmity will replace them, one of which will be based on blood type. Type As will claim superiority over all other blood types. Another will be the fight between left-handed and right-handed people. But the most worrisome will be the enmity between the circumcised and the non-circumcised. It will get so bad there will be skirmishes and rioting with both sides demanding their pound of flesh from each other.
10) Many industrialized nations with dwindling populations will resort to enticing certain people to migrate to their countries. From the Philippines, any male person who can claim to be related to Erap, Ramon Revilla Sr. or Dolphy will be granted instant citizenship.
11) The next trend in fine dining is to offer valued customers preferred tables not just with a good view or privacy, but one that is near a power outlet.
12) As the price of oil continues to plummet, oil companies will develop new fuels and invest in cars that will use powder and lotion.
13) Scientists will discover that the most exercised parts of the body are the thumb and point finger due to scrolling and enlarging photos on smart phones.
14) Scientists will discover a new medical condition resulting from too much solitary male sex. It will be aptly called “penis elbow.”
15) Lastly, my most accurate prediction for next year is that none of these forecasts will happen. Thank God!