HUMMING IN MY UNIVERSE By Jim Paredes (The Philippine Star) | Updated January 1, 2017 – 12:00am
I feel the spirit of past eons shaking my body, urging me to act. I hear Nostradamus whispering in my ear, begging me to be his voice in this uncaring modern world.
Yes, it is again that time of the year to foretell what lies ahead in 2017. Once again, I boldly make predictions on what to expect in the new year. To carry out this mission, I meditated for days to cleanse my spirit. I prayed for guidance that I might think clearly. Lastly, I took a small dose of Fentanyl. This last act excuses me from any liability since I am clearly not of sound mind as I write this.
Here goes:
1) The Death Penalty bill and the bill lowering the criminal age to nine years old will not be passed. Because of world opinion, both bills will take a crazy twist and suddenly become an “Abortion law” which will have far more acceptance in the world. Here’s how: the legislators will redefine the definition of a fetus to that of “life up to 70 years old.” Upon passage, the law will stipulate that people who commit death-penalty-worthy crimes will simply be “aborted.”
2) To soften his image and reputation, Duterte’s spokespersons, using “creative interpretation,” will reveal that the President loves Sanrio and Pikachu, and that he actually has an extensive collection of these cute creatures. He will also silence his critics by manufacturing and distributing “Tickle Me Rody” dolls to children of EJK victims.
3) The burning issue of Marcos’ burial at the Libingan ng mga Bayani will finally be settled with a brilliant compromise. There will be no digging to transfer the corpse elsewhere, or a change in the name of the hallowed ground where our heroes are buried. The perimeter fence will simply be moved so that the area where the dictator is currently buried will no longer be part of LNMB.
4) Many experts have predicted that the BPO business will slow down because of Duterte’s anti-American policies. What will take their place will be Troll Centers to serve not only the interest of Philippine government officials but anyone in the world who needs to threaten, insult or curse others. Everyone will be amazed at how good Filipinos have become at name-calling, slut-shaming and misogynist speech. These Troll Centers will bring in a lot of foreign currency and will be the new bright star of our economy.
5) Between Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin, the US and Russia will become one nation. It is still being decided whether Russia will be a state of the US, or the US will be one of Russia’s republics.
6) Donald Trump’s inaugural will proceed without a hitch. The performers who have agreed to participate are the Bolshoi Ballet, the Moscow Circus, and the Ku Klux Klan’s Children’s Choir.
7) The charges against Senator Leila de Lima will be thrown out by the courts. To get back at her, Congress will pass a law making illegal parking punishable by death. The very hour after the bill becomes law, they will block De Lima’s parking space in the Senate and all parking spaces wherever she goes.
8) Brexit has happened. The prediction is Francexit will follow soon. More EU countries will go the same route. After a few years, a new movement will emerge in these countries that will lead them back to the EU. It will be called Fixit!
10) The Philippines will change the design of its flag. It will be red with one big star on the left and on the star’s right will be by four stars arching around it. Red, the color of blood, will supposedly signify how much the President “loves this country.” The big star will stand for unity and the four smaller stars for Luzon, Visayas, Mindanao and the Spratlys.
The government will brush off criticism that it looks very similar to the Chinese flag.
11) China, Russia and the Philippines will proceed with the alliance that Duterte has proposed. As an acronym, it will be known as CRAP!
12) Science will discover that evolution has completely stopped and, in fact, has begun its reversal. Data will show that the rate of “reverse evolution” is accelerating at an enormous pace. What used to take decades and centuries is now happening within weeks and months — but in reverse! Their studies are based on behavioral patterns of the electorate in both the Philippines and the US in 2016.
13) To everyone’s surprise, there will suddenly be a big debate about the name of the planet Uranus. The debate will not be among astronomers but among linguists. Some will argue that the current spelling of the planet is “too millennial” and that the grammatically correct spelling should be YOUR ANUS (with space in between).
The debate will last for years.
14) As the Monkey exits on Jan. 27, 2017, the Chicken/Rooster enters. It will be a great year for congressmen, senators, judges and local officials who are afraid to speak out against the President.
15) The Big Bang theory will be almost debunked by Buddhist scientists. They will spark a discussion when they present a scientific paper that tries to answer the question: “If the Big Bang happened and obviously there was no one there to hear it at the moment it supposedly did, did it actually create a sound?”
16) The Mayan calendar will make a comeback and it will predict that the new end of the world will be on Dec 24, 2017. This will cause havoc during Christmas shopping since people will postpone buying presents until Christmas day itself. If it ever comes!
17) The UN Secretary-General will suddenly resign and the replacement will come from Asia. The contenders will be Kevin Rudd (ex-Prime Minister of Australia), Junichiro Koizumi (ex-Prime Minister of Japan), and Mocha Uson (muse of the Metro Manila Film Festival). The winner will be Mocha Uson. The immediate effect? It will convince Duterte to speak more politely towards the United Nations and stop threatening to burn down the UN building in New York.
19) My final prediction for 2017 is this, and you can bank on it:
The sun will come out tomorrow. Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there’ll be sun! Tomorrow is only a day away.