Crystal balling ‘08
HUMMING IN MY UNIVERSE By Jim Paredes
Sunday, December 30, 2007

One of the things I do every yearend, at least since I’ve had the worldwide web at my fingertips, is to look at what the seers and fortune- tellers are predicting for the coming year. I try to get bits and pieces of predictions for a wide variety of topics from world events to calamities, fashion, sports, technology, politics and even gossip, just to see how some people look at the future.

There is something very empowering about being able to predict the future. It gives man a semblance of control over something that is basically not within his power to completely influence or manage.

One of the things I’ve noticed is the number of “bad visions” people usually come up with every coming year. Always, there is the impending tragedy that will befall mankind, the cataclysmic predictions, the “Bible prophesied” events that will soon come to pass. It’s amazing how much gloom and doom we hear at this time of the year.

This year, the following are supposed to happen, and I put my bottom dollar on these solid predictions. To my knowledge, they are as solid as the Y2K frenzy that gripped the world at the onset of the year 2000! So here goes:

1. There will be a massive data meltdown all over the world. Your computer network, server, credit card numbers will all be wiped out just like that and the stock markets will go into a tailspin.

2. There will be many earthquakes and the much-awaited polar shift will happen.

3. The anti-Christ will appear, for the first time, in public.

4. A famous person will be assassinated…

Blah, blah, blah.

I want to end this year and start the new one with some crazy predictions that were made known to me by my inner spirit guide while I was staring at the bubbles in my champagne glass. I remember hearing the prophetic voice so clearly while I stumbled holding my eighth glass of wine two days (or was it nights?) ago. Mind you, these predictions are of better quality than the one made by a Filipino psychic who predicted at the height of the Bush-Gore battle for the presidency in 2004 that the next US president’s name would have four letters!

1. Mattel, Barbie’s toy company, will drop toy making altogether and, using all the recalled toys made in China as seed capital, will start a commodities company dealing in lead.

2. Because of the suspected methane-caused explosion in Glorietta, Filipino travelers all over the world will be required to go to the toilet and empty their bowels before boarding any aircraft. The DFA, of course, will make a “big stink” about discrimination.

3. It will be harder to find any of the 11 million Filipinos willing to admit that they voted for Trillanes, or say they are still rooting for GMA.

4. Another big government official will be convicted, but this time, he or she will not be pardoned like Erap. GMA will finally show that no one is above the law and the convicted official will actually spend time behind bars — for at least as long as Paris Hilton did in the LA county jail.

5. Romy Jalosjos, as part of a PR campaign to counter the recent brouhaha about his “escape,” will alter his appearance to show that he is a “changed” man. For a start, he will abandon his Elvis style pompadour and sunglasses and spike his hair à la Tim Yap and wear tinted contact lenses.

6. Ad agencies will abandon the trend of using scandal-ridden artists to endorse products and instead opt for celebrities with squeaky-clean images and reputations. They will soon realize, however, that such endorsers are very difficult to find and they may have to negotiate with Disney for the use of cartoon characters or do animation with clay figures.

7. A typhoon will hit Metro Manila and, once again, people will die and get injured due to billboards falling on them. GMA will ban billboards. (Oh, sorry. I predicted that last year.)

8. The Manila Peninsula Hotel will put up a sign outside explicitly banning the parking of any kind of motor vehicle in its lobby, no matter who orders it.

9. Jose Maria Sison will finally realize that the Berlin Wall has collapsed, China and Russia have become capitalists, and that only Cuba remains a socialist state. He will pack up the New People’s Army in exchange for the withdrawal of all charges against him. And, as a last condition before he returns to the fold of the law, he will demand to guest on Wowowee and Deal or No Deal.

10. The peso will continue to gain strength until it regains all lost ground through the years and becomes equivalent to two pesos to the US dollar once more, like in Magsaysay’s time. This, in turn, will force OFWs to come home since their earnings abroad will be worthless, and end all remittances to the Philippines, which will immediately bring back the exchange rate to its double-digit levels and immediately send OFWs back to their host countries once again.

11. GMA will once again revive attempts to “reform” the Constitution but will declare she will not seek the position of Prime Minister. She will be content with the title of… Goddess!

12. Lawmakers will legislate that cigarette packs will now carry picture warnings of the ill effects of smoking. Aside from damaged lungs and other gross-looking ailments, lawmakers hope to shock smokers by also showing the ever-increasing bank balances of cigarette companies.

13. ABS-CBN and GMA-7 will continue their narcissistic practice of making their newscasters and themselves the very subject of headline news just as they did in 2007 with news about fake ratings and the spectacle of “arrested” TV journalists. This time, there will be much ado about male newscasters getting implants and TV executives undergoing sex change operations.

14. Pinoy Big Brother will achieve a first in Philippine TV history by getting a group of senators and congressmen and billeting them in Kuya’s house and allowing the TV audience to choose who stays and goes by text votes. It will be hailed as the first honest voting ever accomplished in the country.

15. Miriam Defensor Santiago will finally be appointed to the World Court at The Hague, but will immediately quit because, for the first time, someone will tell her to her face that she is irritating.

16. Lastly, there will be new people born, natural disasters will happen somewhere in the world, and every living person will blink at least once a day.

The prophecy is foretold!