Crystal ball gazing: Predictions for 2022

It used to be a yearly tradition during my stint as a columnist with Philippine Star that I ended the year or started a new one with my predictions for the coming 12 months. I have not been doing this the past 3 or 4 years. Why? Only the heavens know the answer. The third eye does close once in awhile for its own reasons.

But as sure as the sun rose today, I felt my inner (COSA) NOSTRAdamus awaken and read the tea leaves of what 2022 shall bring. So dear readers, sit quietly, and absorb all you read with neither fear nor trepidation. You will discover that, as a sage once said, “The future ain’t what it used to be.’

1. A new Covid -19 variant will come from Germany. It will be called the Bavarian variant. All vaccines will prove useless against this unless it goes with a diet of Schweinebraten (roast pork), Schweinshaxe (pork knuckle), Weisswurst sausages and, of course, dumplings, dumplings and more dumplings. To top it off you need a litre of beer for a booster.

2. Scientists will be surprised to discover that like Covid-19, inanimate objects have been mutating too. More than ever, new variants of soaps, deodorants, toothpastes, gargles, vitamins, etc. will be seen in shelves.

3. NASA will finally reveal that UFOs are real and that aliens have been around disguised as humans for years now. The Republican party will finally admit that Trump, Greene, QANON, etc. are extra-terrestrials which will explain their ‘out-of-this-world’ behaviour.

4. Atty Estelito Mendoza, as a last ditch effort to quash the appeals for Marcos’ disqualification as candidate for President, will argue that there is no thief in world history who has ever admitted to thievery much less pay taxes on what he/she stole. So why discriminate against his client? This brilliant argument will absolve Marcos of all charges and allow him to run in the 2022 elections.

5. Adventurous billionaires, after conquering the North pole, flying to space, etc. will continue to look for new experiences and thrills. Some of them may even decide to go to a church, hug a tree, or go
to the taxation office.

6. A musical group from the Himalayas will record an album that will contain songs that are completely silent. It will become a world trend. Many artists will do similar albums which will result in plagiarism lawsuits.

7. NASA will discover a black hole near the earth devouring many stars and planets. They will send a mission to observe it closely. To their big surprise, they will see VP Leni Robredo already there bringing relief to the remaining planets.

8. The Vatican will launch a social media app called ‘Church’. Soon everyone will be meeting in Church and stay for hours.

9. China will be the leader in further miniaturising technology. Big data computers will be reduced to the size of cellphones. Miniaturisation will dominate everything, but will be a big failure in the sex toys market.

10. People will avoid going to English restaurants due to fear of Covid. That’s because many customers feel they have lost their sense of smell and taste while eating English cuisine.

11. The predicted ‘polar switch’ where North becomes South finally will happen in 2022. No one will feel it. But everyone will begin reading their maps upside down.

12. Lastly, history will again and again repeat itself. Just like in the past few years, NO ONE will believe these predictions.

But as a humble self-proclaimed psychic out to save the world, I must speak of the visions I see. Revealing this takes a lot out of me. Thanks for your time. I will read your comments later in the day. But now, I must take my medications.